Salt Mines...

Day 3: Yesterday (the third day at the new job) I was dreading going there, hating every minute that ticked away closer to absolute hell. I remember thinking This has got to be how inmates on death row feel when they have an execution date set for them to count down to. When it came time to actually head off, every inch as I got closer to that prison of hell, I started tearing up more and more...I DID NOT WANT TO GO!
I got there a few minutes early, and sat in the car. I organized my stuff into my little camelpak to prepare me for the elements of Child Care Servicing. As I did I noticed one of the other counselors, S, park across from me. I looked up and smiled at her, but of course she pretended not to see me. Which I suppose I deserve, because I will admittedly say that I've done that to people as well. I shrugged it off and went on about my business. I gathered my things and as I walked towards the doors I told myself Chin up. You're trying your best, give it a chance. I'm sure everyone felt this way. Put your big-girl-pants on and do what you have to do. And I did. I walked in that door with a smile. The other counselors were seated around a table chit chatting. I walked by and said 'hello' and, though I actually didn't expect them to out-right ignore my 'niceness' they did. Not a one said hello. Not even a glance in my direction. A quick tear came to my eyes. I sniffed it up, thought to my self: Well fuck that, never mind then. I sat at a table and read my GRE book trying to study. They continued to chit chat, mostly complaining about the kids. The leader of the group, M, was ranting on in her New York tough-kid accent about the 'little angels with horns" She started throwing around the F-bomb and then all of a sudden turned to me and was like "oo I'm sorry for the language but sometimes these kids just tick me off and I wanna kick 'em in the head!" She continued about childhood beatings as discipline and the kids these days are little brats and blah blah. I told her I totally agree. We exchanged a story or two on particular kids. They didn't seem too impressed or into the stories I had to share, so I backed off again with my confidence depleted after a short stint of Oh My gosh they're talking to me! Like a nerd in school would feel after one of the cool kids muttered a "Hey kid will you pick that up for me?" to them in the hallway at school. So I went back to studying. They left and I waited around for my bus-driver (D). D came in, a nice older black dude, and we chit chatted about his work in correctional facilities and he shared a few horror stories he had about this and about that. He made me feel a bit better before the rest of the day dragged on.
We picked up the kids and brought them back. Another counselor MA, the newest after me, was with me. She explained to me in better detail what we did and was so much nicer to me. Then the unexpected happened, M - the leader - helped me organize my group get them lined up and helped me take them out to the playground. She intervened with disciplinary actions and got them under control. Which I had no problem with since she has a booming, naturally loud (new york remember) presence tat the kids automatically respond to. As we headed, out I thanked her and a "no problem" returned. We were outside, and then the continuance of 'niceness' poured out like a freakin waterfall. "Heyr, I can help ya will the attendance sheet." "Aw that would be awesome thank you. I got some of them but I'm not sure about the rest." She went through the list, muttering to herself checking off those who were present and trying to remember who was back inside doing their homework.
Once again I was in her mercy with a 'thank you'. I had a reassurance and a mind-check with my discipline. No more nice guy, you gotta be stern with these kids. Show them who's boss and that you mean business. Hold your ground. I was keeping kids in check handing out timeouts left and right, being stern. And they actually responded to me. They were a lot better. I think M being around also helped the situation.
Then the news came to me from a small child. "Ms. O-! Ms. O-! Ms. IK told me to tell you that T won't be here. He broke his back." And she runs off. Wait WHAT?! I turned to the other counselor J, who had just recently started talking to me along with the Alpha Dog, and say "did you hear anything about T?" "No what happened?" "So-and-so just said that T broke his back..." Ms. M came out and we got the story from her sarcastic yankee twang, "So T was standing up on the back of the bus against the emergency exit, when the bus hit a pot-hole. You know those things don't have no shocks, they're like from 198fo'. So he goes falling backwards hittin his back and out the back of the bus. The ambulance had to come. Kids were cryin'. He's a mess. They took him to the hospital to get checked out. I think he's got a huge cut on his back...i donno. They might be doin some xrays er somethin."
My first thought was Oh shit! I hope he's alright. My second thought Oh shit I'm all alone with all these freakin kids for a whole freakin day!?! M must have seen the shock on my face and perked up saying "well we could take some of your kids so you only have 20, which will put you in ratio." "OK, that would be great." She lined them up and asked them who wanted to go with her. I was actually a little heartbroken that so many of them jumped to the possibility of leaving my group. But we got it figured out and they took 13 of my kids from my previous 33.
We went on with the daily schedule with snack time and then back on the playground for the rest of the day pretty much. The counselors continued to help me out with the attendance and the disciplining minor chit chat and what not. Which was refreshing and a nice change of pace than from the day before. MA, talked to me a bit about the ins and outs of the "moods" the other counselors had. "I felt for you yesterday and wanted to talk to you. Because when I first started NO ONE talked to me not even IK. T was a bit difficult to get along with with his temperament, but once we got passed a few things it was fine." "Yeah! No one spoke a single word to me yesterday. Not even T which was the big reason I was having such a horrible day." "Well some things you should watch out for from most of them except J, is that they are 2-faced. Now, I'm not here to make friends, and you're young so I don't want to see you get caught up in all that crap, because you seem nice. But just watch yourself." I thanked her immensely for her advice and all her help. It's good to know someone's on your side. I thought Yeah I can see it. It's like a freakin clique here. 
Which I noticed the whole Y has become that way. I mean I have probably been going there longer than anybody ANYBODY that works there. I remember when it was this small little building just starting out before all their added complexes and what not. I used to know everyone and they all knew me. I suppose that now that an Olympian, whose coach/dad still trains here, made it big brought tons of publicity to the Y. Everyone there seems so cliquey. It reminds me of a huge law or business firm with their gym in their skyscraper building and everyone trying to "get-in" the next-best inner circle with their power 'suits', their must-make handball games, fake "good game" hand shakes. I guess it's because it's the work crowd coming in and I'm used to the laid back retired crowd.
Well anyway, I'm about to head off again to work. I feel more confident today, but at the same time I'm still slightly timid in my feelings because I just have a feeling it could all change in an instant to the obis of hell. I'll try to make it work. But the good news is, is that not all days are hell, it actually can be somewhat pleasant to work there, and I have at least  one person in the same corner as me...

Salt Mines...

Back again with some more thought on the whole disciplining unruly children without doing this, without doing that...I was looking up online articles on how to discipline a children, er children, a group of children without yelling at them, or shaming them, or all that crap. Which truly does hurt them in the end. I looked at classroom setting examples and they all say the same thing pretty much. To get their attention clap or play a game, to get them to listen, whisper, a hand motion to get their attention. Stuff like that. For one thing when you have kids running around in a huge gym screaming at each other, I'm not gong to freaking walkup to each one whispering "hey will you go line up?" NO I'm gonna freakin yell "LINE UP!" The thing is I cannot find anything on dealing with children in after-school/day-care situations. No. 2: It's so fast paced constant going from here to their with other people's kids with you (I still don't know who's in my group and who isn't). I mean really how the hell do you do this?! T is a yeller, he rules by fear and he seems to like it and thinks that's the way to do it. Which is very tempting, but I don't want these kids to be afraid especially of me. Already today, one kid started to come running to me to say something then turned 90 degrees and ran to T. It kind of hurt, and I want the kids to like me, to respect me and to more importantly listen to me without me having to yell and shame them. It's hard to discipline one child too when you have 20 others yelling at you "hey look at me!" or "he did this/she did that"
I mean how do you try to do things the way you learned was "safe" or "best" for children when the kids are used to a totally different form of discipline, not to mention their own parents. I am not that child's parent so do I just bite my lip until they go home and hope for the best? Do i give in and yell and shame the kids to get them to obey like the rest of the counselors? Or do I continue to do it my way, let them do it their way and struggle with all this grief, not to mention confusing the hell out of the children, and only hurting them more really in the long run? Ugh, this is too much. I've never quit anything in my life and I DO NOT want to quit this job for the simple reason of "I don't think I can do it" but this is probably the hardest job I have ever had by far. I wonder if they're like this at school and if so how the hell do these teachers deal with them in this state of mind? This is just so much to take in at once, and I would imagine it only gets worse. I think what I really wish is that my co-workers/counselors were a bit more supportive. Or more I wish I was less anxiety filled is social situations.
I really do like children and people and I want to help them with their psychological struggles, helping the best I can with their situations and overall life, but the truth is I am absolutely terrified of kids and people in general. How the hell am I suppose to help people if I'm terrified of them? I guess if I had more self confidence in myself that I know what I'm doing or I know I can do this, but right now, I'm in a constant state of mind of I am in way over my head. I don't know what I'm doing. I suck at this job. I suck at life. If there is anyone out there reading this at all, please PLEASE give me some hope. That would be really really nice to have right now.

Salt Mines...

Day 2 at work. OH MY GOD!!! I cannot even put into words almost how unbelievable today was. At first you know I was in a descent accepting mood...positive I'll say. Yeah that all changed real quick. To generalize, kids are freakin hellians. I work with 6-7 year olds and this group of kids are the most unruly last nerve testing bunch of banshees I have encountered for any length of time. Well actually let me clarify that's how they were the last 30-45 min I had them for. Most of the day they were fairly descent. But as soon as T leaves, they are on my last nerve testing me the whole time. Throwing mulch, throwing shoes, kicking each other, scratching, screaming, more and more shit I can list that would make you ponder : You know, maybe jail isn't so bad. For example, we were in the gym for the last hour of play before we go back up front and wait for their parents to come pick them up. T left while playing a game so I was in charge for a bit. It was a little before 5:30 (when we're suppose to head back up there) and I though ok lets get lined up to go. So I told them to line up, and of course they cannot do that. They're running around kicking each other, chasing each other, making my job just that much harder. I'm already not that loud, and they are unbelievably loud. I'm yelling at them now to line up, while I have kids crying, kids coming up to me asking me a million questions, I got the boss lady and other counselors on the walkie asking to send so-and-so up front because their parents are waiting. I'm trying to pry the clipboard out of the kids hands to read the names of the kids in my group to see if any of the ones their calling are mine, because I do not know all the names of the 30+ kids in the group on day 2, not to mention the extra kids they sent to me sometime during the day. Meanwhile, I got counselors yelling in the walkie "Where is group 2? Will someone go help the counselor for group 2? They are suppose to be up here now." "I am on my waayy!" Turn to the crying, running, kicking ANNOYING devils in child-like bodies to yell at them one last time. As loud as I can "You all need to line up RIGHT NOW!" I am not going to say it again. Just because T is not here does not mean you all can go crazy. I do not want to hear a word when we are heading back up front! I have been nice to you guys, but I can be pretty freaking mean when I want to be if you push me!" We head up front and here comes another counselor, she doesn't even look at me and is already telling the kids in my group what to do. Which is helpful but it also makes me feel just that much more incompetent. We got up front and I was ready to throw up my hands and walk out and just say "forget it. this is ridiculous" I stood up front for a while. I tried to help clean stuff up and what not because i don't know what to freaking do, and one counselor was like "oh we don't have to do that." Another one 5 min later picked up doing what I was just doing with  look at me like "why don't you do something?" So finally I went up to the desk to see if I could go ahead and go.
That's another thing. I was so worried about the kids killing me and giving me a hard time that I never thought the counselors would give me just as hard if not worse a time that the kids. Today T barely talked to me, none of them did. I mean I'm "shy" well reserved (I hate the word shy) I don't talk that much because I don't know what to talk about with people and I don't want to offend anyone, plus I usually find that they're not really interested in what I have to say anyway (I'm kind of a baring talker I guess). But none of them talked to me. I would try to go up to them and be friendly but then they would walk away! Literally! We were out ont he playground, and yesterday T told me "Yeah we're not really suppose to be next to each other hanging out, we're suppose to be separated to watch the kids and stuff better." Which makes sense, but almost all of us were out there on the playground today and I was standing up front closer to the door when they all walked over to the benches together across the playground and sat down and were talking for a good half hour or so. While I'm trying to watch over all the kids, I got annoying as girls in my face tattling on so and so every 5 seconds. I got ADD boys kicking and screaming, I got a kid in a wheel chair asking me every 5 minutes for mulch and what time it is. And I can feel these counselors just staring at me with disgust and with just as much annoyance as I have for the kids. They don't talk to me about anything, not saying hey don't let so and so throw mulch, or watch that kid he like to bite. No it's like they want to see me drowned. And honestly while I was out there, with 40+ kids and feeling the loneliest and out of place I have felt in a while, I swear I thought I was going to cry. I sucked it up of course, because I try my damnedest to never cry especially in front of people. I putzed around chit chatting with the different kids trying anything to make the time go by faster. Trying to make the best of the situation. T still wouldn't talk to me about what we were doing, where we were going, what was going on. I definitely got the feeling of dislike and annoyance from him directed towards me. I mean he seems like he does well on his own, which is true, and doesn't like to babysit me at all. I bet he's thinking "why in the hell did you put her with me?!" Not to mention another counselor, she's kind of like the head counselor, (we'll call her M) who i think is from new york or something like that. When I first met her I had my little inclinations that she was sizing me up, she looked me up and down, looked down on me. I tried to keep a smile. (Sometimes I really hate my intuitive nature, and my uncanny response to body language), and today was no different if not worse. Especially when we were out on the playground I felt her staring at me with these eyes of ice. Literally laser beams at my head. When I would walk by her, she would not look at me, how she would just stare at me with those cold eyes. I could tell I was pissing her off with some of my actions, or lack of actions, but I wish she would just tell me what I was doing instead of staring at me and making me feel so freakin uneasy, or having all of them talk shit about me (I'm not dumb), or just freakin ignore me the whole time. The rest of the counselors made me feel almost worse than the kids did.
The day was finally over after the little fiasco in the gym. I wanted to talk to the boss for a bit. But she was busy, as always. She asked me how it went and I was honest saying "absolutely horrible!" I told her that as soon as T left they go crazy testing every last nerve. I mean I tried to be reasonable with them I tried to be understanding, the boss said she doesn't want these kids to obey because they're scared, which is completely understandable. We're not suppose to yell. We certainly cannot hit. How in the hell are you suppose to punish them without making them afraid of you and at the same time listening to you? I guess some people have it and some people do not. I am starting to think that I am just not cut out for child care. Maybe this was a huge mistake. As soon as I walked out of that place, I had to sit n my car for about 5 min to relax. I was starting to tear up, but I sucked it up once again and held back the tears. I sat there with my head on my steering wheel breathing trying to just put it all behind me. I immediately thought I need a drink but then NO! I will not be my mother, who has to drink everytime to deal with her own child or "relax" or "relieve stress" So I decided to check into the membership fees for employees. It is free for me, I'll have to talk to the boss about the particulars, and they do have a little space where I can study for a bit after work. The next thing I thought about after work was having to go back home and deal with my alcoholic of a mother. Exactly what I DO NOT want to have to do to after a horrific day at work.
I drove around to the grocery store, wasting time before I headed back. I snuck up stairs and went to my room. I sat in there for a while since mom was in the kitchen I waited for her to leave before I headed that way, but she didn't. I went to the bathroom and the next thing I know I got the drunk dribbling her drool at me, already slurring her words and talking her jibberish. I muttered a "hello" and immediately went to my room before silently bursting into tears. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. Mom was the last straw. Out of everything that goes wrong in this world, in my life, I don't even have to comfort to know I can go home to a caring/sober/sane household. I have no one to cry to about my horrible horrible day. Though thankfully my dad isn't always an ass hole. He cam into my room and asked how I was doing and how my day went. I told him horrible, "I don't understand why people want kids they're freakin hellians!" He just gave me a pitiful 'I'm sorry' look and tried to comfort me a bit "hang in there, maybe it'll get better with other counselors coming in for the summer..." I hope to God that they do get more help. Because it is just freaking crazy doing that by yourself. I don't know how they handle it honestly. I was immediately overcome by a migraine (still am), mom's stumbling into my room "d-dinnrsss onsaaa t-tabllllleee" What?! I didn't catch that why don't you have another drink and maybe that'll help your nonsense dribble that's pouring out of your mouth. I told her I wasn't hungry, even though I'm freaking starving, but just like I said before, I AM NOT putting myself in that situation where I will only get more angry more upset and more annoyed because I have to watch a pathetic piece of shit mother I have wobble back and forth over her dinner plate, asking me a million questions of "How was your day? Well you gotta do this with those kids you gotta do that with those kids, blah blah, when I was a kid..." Ah SHUT THE FUCK UP! No I am not doing it, not anymore. I'm going try my hardest now to stay at the Y as long as possible after work. To work out or study, or both. To avoid even seeing her. Because from what I have witnessed so far, I'm going to be having a lot of "bad days" at work, Instead of drinking them away I'm going to have to get that aggression out somehow...working out. And then I have to, HAVE TO study, I got to get my ass out of this place. As far away from my family (mother mostly) as possible. I have to do better than this, I cannot settle for this shit. I might have screwed up a bit in college, with some help form others, and I cannot let that hold me down. I have to do better than this or I probably will pull that trigger. I just want to be good, no great, at something that everyone admires me for it, and that I truly love to do...gah is that too much to ask for?

Salt Mines...

So today was my first day of work at the Y in the day care center. OMG! First off, I did not hear from them since Thursday when I had to fill out this long a** packet of pretty much saying "you're working with kids so you better not touch them, if you do touch them you're sol. If you've been accused of any child abuses or anything harming a child you're sol, and blah blah blah" Boss said she'll call me when I get approved. Friday goes by. Saturday goes by. Sunday and then Monday. I was beginning to think WTF I mean really, ya know? The Monday at 1:50 pm she calls me "So you did know you were suppose to start today right?" "Uuuhhhh...no...I never hear from you. Uh...I wasn't sure what the deal was - er - uh I'm sorry, I can be there in an hour." "oookkaaaayy" AAAAHHHH!!! WTF! Really?! I mean geez!

So while I'm rushing to take a shower, get dressed, take out my piercing, finding shoes that aren't flip-flops or sandals, changing shirts like 3 times. Do I eat now? No, no food in the house. Well maybe I can bring some granola...no, you had enough. Should I bring water? Yeah, I'm sure you can have water. Cell phone. Ipod? Eh, sure. Book? No you're watching kids for Christ's sake, no book. Ok, make-up, deofarant, brush the teeth. Coffee? No you just brushed your teeth. Belt, need a belt. Damn these shorts don't have belt loops...what the hell, how don't you have belt loops?! Aaahhh! God these kids are going to kill me. You're pretty much going to die. Don't worry about food or coffee b/c she'll fire you in like 5 min. What the hell were you thinking working with kids? You hate kids...well very strongly dislike them.

I was going crazy, worrying about something I was forgetting, of mostly how I'm going to die today, or worse how I'm going to be arrested. Will I be arrested for throwing a kid into a wall? Or telling them to play hide and seek and not really seeking? I mean is there a rule saying seekers MUST seek? Maybe I'll look into that.

Well I'm there, nervous as hell, trying to hold it together and forcefully be nice to the kids.

I met my co-counselor/trainer (T) he was pretty cool. The kids were more afraid of him to do anything bad than respecting him and listening, which I guess is what the boss wasn't really to fond off. Which is understandable, but what I soon found out is that these kids work fast. I mean it's constant kicking screaming, he did this, she did that. Wait what? What was your name again? No give me shit just b/c I'm new and you think you can get away with it. I mean really, I'm not that dumb.

The evening goes by with limitless testing of my limits, boring walking around. Oh yeah because we're not allowed to play with them. I mean the one thing I was looking forward to was at least being able to play games and stuff with them. If I have to sit and listen to them whine about this and that and give me attitude I at least want to get out and do something active. I tried playing with them a little bit, but they didn't seem too open with me, at least not yet.

I can understand all the bull shit legal crap with child care services and counselors touching kids or harming kids and potentially hurting them, but this is almost ridiculous. No wonder the kids hate it there, we're just like their parents. Not wanting to play with them, just watch their every move to make sure they're not doing anything wrong. No wonder the counselors seem so angry too, they're bored. I mean I was bored and irritated with just standing around, being a disciplinary rather than a friend.

I kind of felt the counselors were getting annoyed with me. I'm sure it's annoying in general to train somebody. T left early, yes left me alone with the freaking kids for like half an hour. That's a really long time in child care. But they always seemed to group together and talk with one another isolating me. I definitely felt like the new kid. Everybody's trying to feel me out; kids, counselors, the only person who seems to have absolute faith in me, OR just doesn;t care at this moment how I do, is the boss lady. I felt kind of bad for the other counselors that had to pick up the slack because I was falling behind, like having to come get some of my kids because I didn't send them up to go home. Or having to 'round-up' my unruly kids while my back is turned. They're a bunch of 6-7 year olds so I guess this is the age to test authority limits and how to 'manipulate' their way around things....a lot of testing really. They should take my GR for me since they like to test so much.

AND to top it all off next week is spring break. That means all day for a whole freaking week. I guess it'll be good for the cash flow, but I just been doing this one day! Actually it starts friday. So I'll have 4 days under my belt before the full force of it all. I'm not sure if I'll be ready for this shit. All day kids...at least while they're at school they can get most of their energy out...I would imagine; so when they come to us they're at like 40-50% instead of a full 100%. This just might be a tasting of hell to come. Boss lady assures me that if I can get through the first week that I'll be fine. I hope she's right and she's not just saying that because she's desperate for work from anybody.

Well tomorrow is another day and I guess we'll see how it goes. I really hope this job can help as far as resume status and future possible jobs in the direction I want to go in. Really, my theory is talking to children one-on-one when something's wrong, but how do you do that when there's 29 (literally that many) other kids you have to look after at the same time. No wonder our education system is askew...there's simply not enough attention or time put forth for these kids, nor patience. Perhaps when I get the hang of things I can make a difference and make some changes in that area. One could only hope. "...be the change" right? Oh Gandhi if you were here with me right now, that would really help me out...