Day 2 at work. OH MY GOD!!! I cannot even put into words almost how unbelievable today was. At first you know I was in a descent accepting mood...positive I'll say. Yeah that all changed real quick. To generalize, kids are freakin hellians. I work with 6-7 year olds and this group of kids are the most unruly last nerve testing bunch of banshees I have encountered for any length of time. Well actually let me clarify that's how they were the last 30-45 min I had them for. Most of the day they were fairly descent. But as soon as T leaves, they are on my last nerve testing me the whole time. Throwing mulch, throwing shoes, kicking each other, scratching, screaming, more and more shit I can list that would make you ponder : You know, maybe jail isn't so bad. For example, we were in the gym for the last hour of play before we go back up front and wait for their parents to come pick them up. T left while playing a game so I was in charge for a bit. It was a little before 5:30 (when we're suppose to head back up there) and I though ok lets get lined up to go. So I told them to line up, and of course they cannot do that. They're running around kicking each other, chasing each other, making my job just that much harder. I'm already not that loud, and they are unbelievably loud. I'm yelling at them now to line up, while I have kids crying, kids coming up to me asking me a million questions, I got the boss lady and other counselors on the walkie asking to send so-and-so up front because their parents are waiting. I'm trying to pry the clipboard out of the kids hands to read the names of the kids in my group to see if any of the ones their calling are mine, because I do not know all the names of the 30+ kids in the group on day 2, not to mention the extra kids they sent to me sometime during the day. Meanwhile, I got counselors yelling in the walkie "Where is group 2? Will someone go help the counselor for group 2? They are suppose to be up here now." "I am on my waayy!" Turn to the crying, running, kicking ANNOYING devils in child-like bodies to yell at them one last time. As loud as I can "You all need to line up RIGHT NOW!" I am not going to say it again. Just because T is not here does not mean you all can go crazy. I do not want to hear a word when we are heading back up front! I have been nice to you guys, but I can be pretty freaking mean when I want to be if you push me!" We head up front and here comes another counselor, she doesn't even look at me and is already telling the kids in my group what to do. Which is helpful but it also makes me feel just that much more incompetent. We got up front and I was ready to throw up my hands and walk out and just say "forget it. this is ridiculous" I stood up front for a while. I tried to help clean stuff up and what not because i don't know what to freaking do, and one counselor was like "oh we don't have to do that." Another one 5 min later picked up doing what I was just doing with look at me like "why don't you do something?" So finally I went up to the desk to see if I could go ahead and go.
That's another thing. I was so worried about the kids killing me and giving me a hard time that I never thought the counselors would give me just as hard if not worse a time that the kids. Today T barely talked to me, none of them did. I mean I'm "shy" well reserved (I hate the word shy) I don't talk that much because I don't know what to talk about with people and I don't want to offend anyone, plus I usually find that they're not really interested in what I have to say anyway (I'm kind of a baring talker I guess). But none of them talked to me. I would try to go up to them and be friendly but then they would walk away! Literally! We were out ont he playground, and yesterday T told me "Yeah we're not really suppose to be next to each other hanging out, we're suppose to be separated to watch the kids and stuff better." Which makes sense, but almost all of us were out there on the playground today and I was standing up front closer to the door when they all walked over to the benches together across the playground and sat down and were talking for a good half hour or so. While I'm trying to watch over all the kids, I got annoying as girls in my face tattling on so and so every 5 seconds. I got ADD boys kicking and screaming, I got a kid in a wheel chair asking me every 5 minutes for mulch and what time it is. And I can feel these counselors just staring at me with disgust and with just as much annoyance as I have for the kids. They don't talk to me about anything, not saying hey don't let so and so throw mulch, or watch that kid he like to bite. No it's like they want to see me drowned. And honestly while I was out there, with 40+ kids and feeling the loneliest and out of place I have felt in a while, I swear I thought I was going to cry. I sucked it up of course, because I try my damnedest to never cry especially in front of people. I putzed around chit chatting with the different kids trying anything to make the time go by faster. Trying to make the best of the situation. T still wouldn't talk to me about what we were doing, where we were going, what was going on. I definitely got the feeling of dislike and annoyance from him directed towards me. I mean he seems like he does well on his own, which is true, and doesn't like to babysit me at all. I bet he's thinking "why in the hell did you put her with me?!" Not to mention another counselor, she's kind of like the head counselor, (we'll call her M) who i think is from new york or something like that. When I first met her I had my little inclinations that she was sizing me up, she looked me up and down, looked down on me. I tried to keep a smile. (Sometimes I really hate my intuitive nature, and my uncanny response to body language), and today was no different if not worse. Especially when we were out on the playground I felt her staring at me with these eyes of ice. Literally laser beams at my head. When I would walk by her, she would not look at me, how she would just stare at me with those cold eyes. I could tell I was pissing her off with some of my actions, or lack of actions, but I wish she would just tell me what I was doing instead of staring at me and making me feel so freakin uneasy, or having all of them talk shit about me (I'm not dumb), or just freakin ignore me the whole time. The rest of the counselors made me feel almost worse than the kids did.
The day was finally over after the little fiasco in the gym. I wanted to talk to the boss for a bit. But she was busy, as always. She asked me how it went and I was honest saying "absolutely horrible!" I told her that as soon as T left they go crazy testing every last nerve. I mean I tried to be reasonable with them I tried to be understanding, the boss said she doesn't want these kids to obey because they're scared, which is completely understandable. We're not suppose to yell. We certainly cannot hit. How in the hell are you suppose to punish them without making them afraid of you and at the same time listening to you? I guess some people have it and some people do not. I am starting to think that I am just not cut out for child care. Maybe this was a huge mistake. As soon as I walked out of that place, I had to sit n my car for about 5 min to relax. I was starting to tear up, but I sucked it up once again and held back the tears. I sat there with my head on my steering wheel breathing trying to just put it all behind me. I immediately thought I need a drink but then NO! I will not be my mother, who has to drink everytime to deal with her own child or "relax" or "relieve stress" So I decided to check into the membership fees for employees. It is free for me, I'll have to talk to the boss about the particulars, and they do have a little space where I can study for a bit after work. The next thing I thought about after work was having to go back home and deal with my alcoholic of a mother. Exactly what I DO NOT want to have to do to after a horrific day at work.
I drove around to the grocery store, wasting time before I headed back. I snuck up stairs and went to my room. I sat in there for a while since mom was in the kitchen I waited for her to leave before I headed that way, but she didn't. I went to the bathroom and the next thing I know I got the drunk dribbling her drool at me, already slurring her words and talking her jibberish. I muttered a "hello" and immediately went to my room before silently bursting into tears. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. Mom was the last straw. Out of everything that goes wrong in this world, in my life, I don't even have to comfort to know I can go home to a caring/sober/sane household. I have no one to cry to about my horrible horrible day. Though thankfully my dad isn't always an ass hole. He cam into my room and asked how I was doing and how my day went. I told him horrible, "I don't understand why people want kids they're freakin hellians!" He just gave me a pitiful 'I'm sorry' look and tried to comfort me a bit "hang in there, maybe it'll get better with other counselors coming in for the summer..." I hope to God that they do get more help. Because it is just freaking crazy doing that by yourself. I don't know how they handle it honestly. I was immediately overcome by a migraine (still am), mom's stumbling into my room "d-dinnrsss onsaaa t-tabllllleee" What?! I didn't catch that why don't you have another drink and maybe that'll help your nonsense dribble that's pouring out of your mouth. I told her I wasn't hungry, even though I'm freaking starving, but just like I said before, I AM NOT putting myself in that situation where I will only get more angry more upset and more annoyed because I have to watch a pathetic piece of shit mother I have wobble back and forth over her dinner plate, asking me a million questions of "How was your day? Well you gotta do this with those kids you gotta do that with those kids, blah blah, when I was a kid..." Ah SHUT THE FUCK UP! No I am not doing it, not anymore. I'm going try my hardest now to stay at the Y as long as possible after work. To work out or study, or both. To avoid even seeing her. Because from what I have witnessed so far, I'm going to be having a lot of "bad days" at work, Instead of drinking them away I'm going to have to get that aggression out somehow...working out. And then I have to, HAVE TO study, I got to get my ass out of this place. As far away from my family (mother mostly) as possible. I have to do better than this, I cannot settle for this shit. I might have screwed up a bit in college, with some help form others, and I cannot let that hold me down. I have to do better than this or I probably will pull that trigger. I just want to be good, no great, at something that everyone admires me for it, and that I truly love to do...gah is that too much to ask for?
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