The end of the week was like a viewing of a train wreck on the news (you know the whole saying and how it goes...) Well anyway, it was interesting to say the least. Thursday, I came to notice that I hate the beginning of the day when we have to pick up the kids from school the worst. For one, since we lost one of our bus drivers we have to sit at the school for a whole hour or more with 30+ kids antzy and craving activeness of some sort while us counselors are trying to keep track of all of them in an open location at the same time trying not to draw attention to us and the unruly children we are "watching" from other teachers and administrators.
Well, there's one child that particularly likes to push my buttons. I don't get it, if it's experience or just a tone in their voice, but other counselors do not seem to have as much trouble as I do with the "wild bunch" of the lot. Well this child, I'll call him Loki, likes to see how far he can go and I swear he loves to argue with me. I'm sure he'l make a lot of money as a lawyer if someone doesn't strangle him before the age of 11. Well Thursday seemed like any other da waiting for the bus, Ms. S had them by the playground at the school playing silent speed ball when she tolled Loki to "Go sit down!" I watched come over, and I thought he was doing as she asked so I turned to glance at other children playing. The next thing I know, Loki is up and running around with a giant Tubberwear lid and running back towards the playground. I yelled "Loki give me the lid and please have a seat." With a smirk on his ugly child face and squinted eyes he shook his head no, almost shaking off his backwards Hurley hat on the ground. "What do you mean 'No'? I asked you to sit down now go sit down." grabbed the lid and he struggled a bit but let go then took off towards Ms. S and the playground. "Loki I thought I told you to sit down. Go." Yelled Ms. S. "Loki come here and sit down." I echoed her frustration. "O, just call his mom. Her numbers on the clip-board." Ms. S casually called to me audible enough for Loki to hear. A sudden aura of amazement came across me, at the same time as a sudden 'Oh Shit" look flooded onto Loki's. I was overwhelmed with a break-through of Yes! I forgot...at one (well a couple) touch we can control their behavior with a threatening call to the parent. I go the clip board and started looking for the form with his parent's number on it. He came over to me and with a hint of hatred and matter-of-fact tone in his voice said, "You're a mean counselor." "How am I mean?" "Because you are. You're bad." "Oh because I asked you to do something and you didn't do it? Because you don't listen?" "You're just mean and a bad counselor." "Please tell me how I'm mean." A that moment a sudden and abrupt, forceful "SIT DOWN" interrupted our argument from Ms. S. At that moment I knew I made a crucial mistake...getting into an argument with a nine year old. I probably played right into his little trap of trying to get me flustered. I suppose kids at that age would say anything to get out of trouble and a little prick-headed pain in the ass delinquent and future prison 'bitch' like this kid would say something cold-hearted and mean instead of something like "oh I'm sorry I won't do it again" that I usually get. So I continued to fumble through the pages while I watched him take a seat on the wall and put his opened backpack over his head. I found the number and weighed the options to myself. Do I call, or do I fake call and let him suffer all day wondering what awaits him at home? Do I want to use a phone call home on something as meaningless as not listening and driving me crazy? Or should I save it for something like killing bunny rabbits and kicking puppies?
So I decided to make the fake call. I got out my cell phone and while glancing at the paper typed the number in my phone and placing the phantom call. I stood up with the phone to my ear and paced back and forth to make the gesture that much more believable. When I saw Loki was staring at me anymore I put the cell phone and away and went about my duties. Force unruly child into seclusion with threat phone call to parent/guardian...check. I must say I was rather please with myself on how that all played out. Ms. S came over and jokingly asked "Is he trying to commit suicide?" With a quick glance in Loki's direction who still had his head emerged in his backpack. "I 'spose he thinks it's the best way to go." We both chuckled and I informed her of my fake calling abilities. Then a sudden realization came upon me. How many times can I fake call a parent before the child catches on and realizes they're being duped? Loki's going to know that I didn't call his mom as soon as she comes to get him later today. At that moment, as with many other moments, I knew I had to find a way of controlling these kids without getting an instant migraine and grabbing for my precious hair. Something I'll have to work on.
Well the day continued with bits of fury and anguish, kids being misbehaving, unruly (my favorite to describe them) lying little brats. But somehow you get through the day and for some reason you come back. I feel I've notice that why I haven;t quit yet or actually look forward to work is because it certainly is not boring. It may be a struggle every once and again, but not nearly as hard as landscaping and it's more fun and interesting far beyond the mundane typical ass treatment you get as a sales clerk or manager of a ski shop. It's not too bad, especially now that I've warmed up to some of the other counselors and they've embraced me a lot better these days, well most of them anyway.
But back to the other drama...the day is going on but then all of a sudden as I'm walking the kids out to the playground Ms. S comes up the hall all flustered and a "bitch"look on her face and chip on her shoulder muttered something along the lines of "this is bullshit, I'm out of here." I was on the walkie and not really paying attention, but was still caught off guard by her attitude. I turned and was like "What?" she kept walking so I didn't think much of it until I got out to the playground where someone said "S just quit." Whhhaaaaaa?! why? I instantly remembered the packed with myself and not indulging on gossip and drama, so I clammed up and tried to go about my business. Mr. T came out and I had to asked, "What's up with S?" "I donno...there's always so much drama...'always drama in the LBC. It's hard being Snoop D-O_ double G...'" I chimed in with the rest of the rap as we chuckled. What I love about guys they turn the drama right around to something comical...for the most part. So I let it go at that point and figured Yeah...cheerleader girl drama. Not my style.
As I showed up to work the next day for another shift in the dungeon and as I was grabbing my whip and torch (hehe) I wasn't bit surprised to see Ms. S walk through the doors in her normal spirits of "I rule this place"I gathered bits and pieces of what went down the previous day with tales of dropping the F-bomb in front of the boss in a criticizing demeanor; the boss calling her at home; saying "I'm getting so trashed! It's gonna be awesome" but then not following through, so I understood at that point that perhaps Ms. S is a lot of talk, though she did have the guts to walked out...for a brief stint but returned a few minutes later after cooling down and the the next day. Granted she did in fact put in her 2 weeks so I notice so I suppose it wouldn't have mattered too much in the long run, but perhaps she was going for a more dramatic exit this time; seeing as how this isn't the first or even second time she's quit at this place. Well the ended with me in a headache of course, dreading the instant the next child would try to defy my authority especially since I was left up front at the end of the day with the boss standing 10 feet from me no doubt watching my every move. Until she muttered those heavenly chocolate-like words of "O. You can go ahead and go." Acting concerned and pleasurable I said "Are ya sure?" "Yeah go ahead." "Ok" SEE YA!
I stepped out with strut in my step as I headed to the my 3rd workout of the day (surfing and battling children 1 & 2 respectively). Aw man...It's Friday. But I still can't deny the growing threat in the back of my mind. T is leaving in a week or two and S is leaving too. This means that at some point in the near future I am going to be alone with these children undoubtedly trying to manage them myself or with someone new...ouch. Oh child care how it solves so much...for the parent of unruly children...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Salt Mines...
The mines seem to ease and the put the pressure back on. Yesterday apparently I was suppose to be there an hour early because of this new 'early release' the schools are doing for the teachers. I didn't realize it was every Wednesday so I was running late. But after I got there, there were apologies from Ms. M about forgetting to let me know. I didn't really care honestly I was just worried I was going to be on the boss's bad side, but things seem to be fine...in that area.
The kids are so...temperamental? They love you one day and then defy your very existence the next. It drives me crazy how inconsistent they are with their feeling and attitudes and behavior in general. Things are starting to get a bit better with the other counselors, though I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells here and there, but now the trick is 'ruling' the kids without being a tyrant. Last week a parent came in complaining about Mr. T being too 'hard' on the kids, constantly yelling and being beyond rude, but mean. I wanted to say, he can be that way but at the same time, have you met your kids?! I ended up not commenting on the matter, because for the most part it wasn't directed towards me and I'm in this mind-set that I'm going to keep my ears out of what's going on, or not necessarily my ears, but my opinions out of the matters of drama in the work place. I think I've learned in the past about getting involved in petty drama, rumors, and work-place 2-facing. But I suppose I'm not going to ignore it if it comes my way...I just vow not to repeat in...in the work place....
However, my questions regarding certain situations are beyond my curiosity control and expressions. So last week, I found out that Ms. S, who has emerged to me as the matriarch of the whole group - even the boss, CAN NOT stand Ms. J - who is one of the nicest people there I feel and is really goo with the kids. Ms. S must have had a vendetta get Ms. J because she went to the boss and told her Ms. J was doing terrible with the older kids and that she should be moved to the youngest group of kids. And what else happened, but that exact thing. I've learned this from the newest addition to the team, Ms. Ma, besides me who is in the the same group as Ms. S and is regurgitating the evidence to me about how corrupt this place is. Ms. S is quoted word for word by saying "I have Ms. I wrapped around my finger, and if I don't want to do something or if I don't like something she'll do what I want." So I guess that's what happened with Ms. J, however, my issue with that is that previously I knew that Ms. J was with the older kids and got moved, but the way Ms. J told it to me was that her and Ms. Ma (who worked with her with the older kids at the time) did not get along and that's why she was moved. I didn't ask the details of the situation, except for the obvious undeniable question of 'why didn't you get along?' Ms. J merely shrugged and said "I donno", So I got the feeling that Ms. Ma had the 'problem' with Ms. J and not the other way around. But after speaking with Ms. Ma, she seems have no such issue with Ms. J and that it appears that either Ms. I didn't have the back bone to tell Ms. J the truth, hinting at the fact that she (Ms. I) doesn't really believe that Ms. J was doing a horrible job with the older kids and came up with the "next best" excuse of Ms. Ma not getting along with Ms. J. Or it could be the fact that they really didn't get along and Ms. Ma was trying to pin me against others and team with her. Point is though, from the beginning of when I worked there and Ms. Ma warned me of the 2-facing going on within the team, and she's right. I've heard it from almost everybody talking bad about somebody else. But for now I'm comfortable with the situation I've put myself in. I keep to myself for the most part not indulging in the chit chat gossip that goes on. If someone happens to tell me their issues/secrets I'll listen give a little advice or consoling without giving mine or my expressed opinion on the matter. It seems to be working for now. A few times people have come to me saying this about someone and that about someone. I simply listen and give a neutral opinion/advice on the matter and move on.
I was actually proud of myself the other day when Ms. S asked me if Ms. Ma drove me crazy. of course a red flag went up and I was on the caution alert n my mind. I said "well she's so thorough with everything, and I'm so laid back 'like whatever', so I probably drive her crazy. haha. Why does she drive you crazy?" and she told me the few issues she has with Ms. Ma. I was like score! I turned that right around! And vowed to myself not to repeat what Ms. S had told me to anyone else in the work place about Ms. Ma.
Well, I'm just taking it day by day and seeing how things go. I actually do like the job, but somedays you feel like you just took 5 steps back with the kids. You gain progress in getting them to listen and then 2 days later they're testing you again. Another issue is the boss lady. She's so unorganized and that's the only person I find I need to bite my tongue from saying something bad about her and her lack of organizational skills and absent-mindedness. I try to go with it and ask Ms. M, who's been there the longest (6 years), what's going on or what I need to do. At first she was a little intimidating and I thought she hated me but she came around and she's actually pretty cool. I feel a lot more comfortable when she's around.
I just have to keep telling myself that this job looks good on a resume and it's money. But at the same time I'm not learning what I had hoped to learn from Ms. I or the others. They all seem so nonchalant about their jobs like it's simply a job. Maybe it's because they've been there for so long and it's just mundane day after day some 'ol boredom or they really don't care. But either way I hope I don't get that way. I want to engage with the kids, provide a place for them to excel and learn useful information such as respect, politeness, manners...needed information that isn't really pushed to the head of the list. There's a lot o inconsistencies with todays education providers and day care centers, but hopefully it's still a way to get my foot in the door...
The kids are so...temperamental? They love you one day and then defy your very existence the next. It drives me crazy how inconsistent they are with their feeling and attitudes and behavior in general. Things are starting to get a bit better with the other counselors, though I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells here and there, but now the trick is 'ruling' the kids without being a tyrant. Last week a parent came in complaining about Mr. T being too 'hard' on the kids, constantly yelling and being beyond rude, but mean. I wanted to say, he can be that way but at the same time, have you met your kids?! I ended up not commenting on the matter, because for the most part it wasn't directed towards me and I'm in this mind-set that I'm going to keep my ears out of what's going on, or not necessarily my ears, but my opinions out of the matters of drama in the work place. I think I've learned in the past about getting involved in petty drama, rumors, and work-place 2-facing. But I suppose I'm not going to ignore it if it comes my way...I just vow not to repeat in...in the work place....
However, my questions regarding certain situations are beyond my curiosity control and expressions. So last week, I found out that Ms. S, who has emerged to me as the matriarch of the whole group - even the boss, CAN NOT stand Ms. J - who is one of the nicest people there I feel and is really goo with the kids. Ms. S must have had a vendetta get Ms. J because she went to the boss and told her Ms. J was doing terrible with the older kids and that she should be moved to the youngest group of kids. And what else happened, but that exact thing. I've learned this from the newest addition to the team, Ms. Ma, besides me who is in the the same group as Ms. S and is regurgitating the evidence to me about how corrupt this place is. Ms. S is quoted word for word by saying "I have Ms. I wrapped around my finger, and if I don't want to do something or if I don't like something she'll do what I want." So I guess that's what happened with Ms. J, however, my issue with that is that previously I knew that Ms. J was with the older kids and got moved, but the way Ms. J told it to me was that her and Ms. Ma (who worked with her with the older kids at the time) did not get along and that's why she was moved. I didn't ask the details of the situation, except for the obvious undeniable question of 'why didn't you get along?' Ms. J merely shrugged and said "I donno", So I got the feeling that Ms. Ma had the 'problem' with Ms. J and not the other way around. But after speaking with Ms. Ma, she seems have no such issue with Ms. J and that it appears that either Ms. I didn't have the back bone to tell Ms. J the truth, hinting at the fact that she (Ms. I) doesn't really believe that Ms. J was doing a horrible job with the older kids and came up with the "next best" excuse of Ms. Ma not getting along with Ms. J. Or it could be the fact that they really didn't get along and Ms. Ma was trying to pin me against others and team with her. Point is though, from the beginning of when I worked there and Ms. Ma warned me of the 2-facing going on within the team, and she's right. I've heard it from almost everybody talking bad about somebody else. But for now I'm comfortable with the situation I've put myself in. I keep to myself for the most part not indulging in the chit chat gossip that goes on. If someone happens to tell me their issues/secrets I'll listen give a little advice or consoling without giving mine or my expressed opinion on the matter. It seems to be working for now. A few times people have come to me saying this about someone and that about someone. I simply listen and give a neutral opinion/advice on the matter and move on.
I was actually proud of myself the other day when Ms. S asked me if Ms. Ma drove me crazy. of course a red flag went up and I was on the caution alert n my mind. I said "well she's so thorough with everything, and I'm so laid back 'like whatever', so I probably drive her crazy. haha. Why does she drive you crazy?" and she told me the few issues she has with Ms. Ma. I was like score! I turned that right around! And vowed to myself not to repeat what Ms. S had told me to anyone else in the work place about Ms. Ma.
Well, I'm just taking it day by day and seeing how things go. I actually do like the job, but somedays you feel like you just took 5 steps back with the kids. You gain progress in getting them to listen and then 2 days later they're testing you again. Another issue is the boss lady. She's so unorganized and that's the only person I find I need to bite my tongue from saying something bad about her and her lack of organizational skills and absent-mindedness. I try to go with it and ask Ms. M, who's been there the longest (6 years), what's going on or what I need to do. At first she was a little intimidating and I thought she hated me but she came around and she's actually pretty cool. I feel a lot more comfortable when she's around.
I just have to keep telling myself that this job looks good on a resume and it's money. But at the same time I'm not learning what I had hoped to learn from Ms. I or the others. They all seem so nonchalant about their jobs like it's simply a job. Maybe it's because they've been there for so long and it's just mundane day after day some 'ol boredom or they really don't care. But either way I hope I don't get that way. I want to engage with the kids, provide a place for them to excel and learn useful information such as respect, politeness, manners...needed information that isn't really pushed to the head of the list. There's a lot o inconsistencies with todays education providers and day care centers, but hopefully it's still a way to get my foot in the door...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Salt Mines...
So I've been working for about 3 weeks (i think) now. Last week was Spring Break for the kids so that meant ALL DAY with them! At first I thought it was going to be absolute hell, but actually it wasn't too bad. I mean I'm alive talking, so that should count for something. But what mostly go me through the day was Ms. M and Ms. J. They were so much much help. Well I was pretty much with them, our groups were joined, and we worked together with whatever we were doing. Mr. T (hehe) wasn't there that much for whatever reason, but it was cool. It seemed to work with just us girls. I mean don't get me wrong there were times when I just wanted to strangle some kids. I told Ms. M "some are these kids are going to put me in prison!" I tried to keep my cool and have fun with them. It went ok, like a gravel road. You know a big bumps and divots, but a lot of annoying little bumps everywhere. But it wasn't like a downhill run where you got huge boulders, rock gardens, doubles, switchbacks, and huge creek-crossing jumps to maneuver down. * If you know mountain biking you know what I mean* Well point is I managed through it, I feel like I learned a lot more; mostly on how to interact with the kids without yelling as much (my voice was almost gone on the first day), and getting their attention without shouting...and keeping it! The latter is the hardest for some reason. I think it's because I'm so soft spoken, and I tend to be a push over : (
I feel like I'm starting to win over some of the kids though. I'm working on this one kid that has ADHD. OMG he can be a handful! I'll call him "A". I'm not even sure where to begin to describe this child. But he's unruly to begin with. For the most part he does what he wants to do. But lately he seems to listen. The thing with him is that you don't notice when he's listening, but you surely notice when he isn't. If he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum, everybody laughs (which makes it worse) and he starts getting loud and mad. As much as he gives me a headache, and he's probably the first child that would send me to jail, I actually kind of like the kid. I've seen him at what I hope is his worse, but I've also seen him at his best (he may be better...I hope that too). And he's bright, he's smart. Just unruly. I look at him and I interpret a child of divorced parents, lives with mom that probably works a lot, no other siblings. Mom may or may not have an addiction (alcohol mostly). She's probably more "scientific" and blames A's behavior pretty much all on his ADHD. However I see some of it coming from being spoiled. I see the mom not really knowing what to do with his condition trying everything and then finally throwing up her hands, and feeling sorry for the child, not knowing what to do tries to make up for it by spoiling him, or more or less letting him have his way. Though I do see her as a disciplinary (may or may not hit him) but whatever it is, it's strict; because if you threaten with a call to his mom he straightens right up. But I don't want that to be the way to handle him. You can't threaten a child to be good, I mean you can but if you start threatening with a call home I think it may make home situations worse.I would like for the child to make it's own decisions and learn the consequences. Time out doesn't seem to do much. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
The child does have immense anger issues though, which is why I feel he may have disciplinary issues with his mom, and/or the mom is an addict of some sort. One day while trying to gather the kids up to go inside, A went to get a drink. I was already pushed to the brink with the constant "Ms. O! Ms. O! She did this! He did that! Hey look at me!" And the last thing I wanted was another episode from an unruly kid. But A never lets me down. He was getting a drink along with half our kids and a few other members who were playing racquet ball. A was hogging the fountain and wouldn't let anyone else drink. The man waiting to get a drink was getting annoyed and tried to politely move A out of the way, that made him agitated and he kept horsing around. I said "A get down and get in line" in a stern tone "No!" with a smirk and took another sip. "A! Get down right now and get in line or give me 3!" Louder this time. The response was another smile of you can't hit me haha! Now I was yelling "A! Get down! That's it you have 6 minutes timeout! GET DOWN!!!...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GET DOWN!" As soon as i said it I stopped and was like Oh Shit I did not just say that. I looked at his face and he had the worst face I have put on a child. I vowed to never say anything like that to a child and yet here I am pretty much calling a kid a piece of pooh. He just looked at me like you bitch! I figured he hears that a lot at home and that could be why he has anger. He does get really testy when other kids get in his face calling him a loser. It seems to bother him the most, and I acted just like one of those other kids. I was thinking Shit what do I say? I can't apologize because then he'll be in control and I'm already out of control. But I want him to know I didn't mean that. Shit, I'm a dumbass. If he kicks me I deserve it.
Finally one of the other counselors threaten with the mom call and he got down throwing a tantrum. She talked to him, he was mad and pouty but it worked.
From that day on I told myself not to lose my temper like that again. I felt so bad. So I propose a different strategy when dealing with him. Something other than yelling. The next day he was testing my patience again. This time we were watching a movie indoors. A would not shut up, everything little thing and there was a comment out of his mouth for everyone to hear. Would not listen, would not follow directions, throwing fits, so finally I said, "A we're going outside." I took out in the hall way. I sat down was like, "Come here buddy, sit down" patting the floor next to me "So what's up? Why are you giving me such a hard time?" "I donno, I hate that movie" "Yeah but other people are trying to watch" "So..." "So it's rude to talk. Can you sit there and just not say anything and let other people watch." "It's too hard." "What's too hard? Why are you being difficult" "It's hard, it's my medication. I hate it. I got switched again." "Aw, I know buddy I hate taking medicine too, but I got to. But you think we can be buds from now on. And you can start listening to me and I'll start listening to you if you have a problem?" "Yeah I guess." "Really? Cause that's be cool." "Yeah" "Ok, so we're gonna be buds and I'll help ya out when people make you mad, but you got to help me out and start listening to me. ok" "I guess" He sat there so polite and listened, and I thought Yes I got through! I'm in! Sweet! I felt so...I don't even know. Like a hero, or a savior...no never mind not to compare myself to Jesus or Abraham Lincoln (hero), but I felt pretty good about myself. Mostly for the fact that I hope I really helped this kid, I hope I made him feel like he had a true friend in the whole crazy freakin world. Things at home seemed to suck, school probably sucks for him because the kids can't handle him, nor the teacher. The Y, everyone can't stand him, but I hope I made him feel like he had a buddy to depend on.
The next day we were out at a park hanging out and he was causing a little trouble. One of the other counselors gave him 3 minutes time out. I was standing next to him and he was talking back to the counselor. I said "A! You're going to get more if you don't stop." Then the next thing he said caught me way off guard "Well will you sit here with me? I want you to sit with me." "Yeah bud I'll sit with ya, but you gotta be good ok?" "Yeah" So we sat and chit chatted. When we were done we were lining up to go back to the Y. A was a little hesitant to get in line, "A will you get in line please?" "No I wanna stand next to you." My hear smiled, I was ecstatic inside. "yeah you can stand next to me as long as you're in line" "Ok." Cha-ching! Yes! I've done it once again! Man I was so proud. But I still kept the thought in the back of my mind that kids are unpredictable, they change friends with each other like every 5 minutes, and they would do the exact same thing with me; so I have to always be on my game and not think that I got through to him one day, but that doesn't mean I got him around my finger every day. I mean, he could turn around and hate me the next day.
Well anyway, lately he seems to doing pretty descent, at least for him. So I'm going to try and work with him as much as I can. I don't want to over do it with the "talking" thing, but I really want him to get to the point where when he feels angry that before he starts hitting people he needs to walk away. I think that's the main thing. Maybe work on the other stuff like being nice and polite to others next. I have noticed though that he doesn't really seek out approval from anybody especially adults. Where pretty much all of the kids seek out some sort of approval either from each other or from us (the counselors), A doesn't. It's as though he doesn't care what others think, he's going to do what he wants no matter what. This can be good in the future, but it can also be horribly bad; which is what we have seen mostly. This "not-needing" of approval boggles me. I mean why at his age wouldn't you seek out some sort of approval? I've noticed once when he was like "Hey Ms. O look at this!" - I can't remember what "this" was. Bt I've never seen or heard him say that to someone else - counselor or kid. I mean, he may have, but very very seldom I would assume, or from what I have gathered. I wonder if it's because he gets plenty of praise at home, or he doesn't get any at all? I generally thought that children, usually with siblings, that crave approval don't get enough at home as they would like. A is most likely - I'm almost positive - an only child, so maybe he gets loads of approval from his mother...maybe too much.
It's tough because you can only do so much, and you feel you made a break through like with A but then they go home back to where to route cause of the whole problem is and it's like the get "recharged" with the wrong attitude. The exact same thing you were trying to prevent or change.
I don't know, it's challenging and I wish I had more....something to where I can really help them. I feel like I'm still in the learning stage and not quite there yet to do what I want to do with them. Plus I'm still in the gray as far as what i can do with them. Mr. T (hehe) pretty much calls the shots as far as what we're doing, where we're going how things are done. Which is fine with me until I can get a hang on things. Plus he's great to have around for disciplining. The kids respond to him, but Ms. I says it's out of fear mostly which is what she's trying to get away from. Well, for now we may be a good match. Good cop bad cop kind of thing. But I don't want to annoy him with my lackadaisicalness. Which I'm sure has. I try to pass out the timeouts, but I'm such a push over. I feel bad for them, but I should remember I'm not here to make friends with the kids, I'm here to make sure they're organized and safe and doing what they're suppose to be doing (what their parents paid us to do with them).
Point is I'm actually starting to like the kids, it's not too bad, and I actually don't hate going to work. Most importantly i feel like I'm learning valuable skills for what I want to do in the future. Like this is really going to help me. Well at least I hope it does. Fingers crossed.Anyway, just a thought, something I'll keep track of until I figure out as much as I can....I know I'm a nerd, but the lives of children and how they end up interests me. What can I say?
I feel like I'm starting to win over some of the kids though. I'm working on this one kid that has ADHD. OMG he can be a handful! I'll call him "A". I'm not even sure where to begin to describe this child. But he's unruly to begin with. For the most part he does what he wants to do. But lately he seems to listen. The thing with him is that you don't notice when he's listening, but you surely notice when he isn't. If he doesn't get his way he throws a tantrum, everybody laughs (which makes it worse) and he starts getting loud and mad. As much as he gives me a headache, and he's probably the first child that would send me to jail, I actually kind of like the kid. I've seen him at what I hope is his worse, but I've also seen him at his best (he may be better...I hope that too). And he's bright, he's smart. Just unruly. I look at him and I interpret a child of divorced parents, lives with mom that probably works a lot, no other siblings. Mom may or may not have an addiction (alcohol mostly). She's probably more "scientific" and blames A's behavior pretty much all on his ADHD. However I see some of it coming from being spoiled. I see the mom not really knowing what to do with his condition trying everything and then finally throwing up her hands, and feeling sorry for the child, not knowing what to do tries to make up for it by spoiling him, or more or less letting him have his way. Though I do see her as a disciplinary (may or may not hit him) but whatever it is, it's strict; because if you threaten with a call to his mom he straightens right up. But I don't want that to be the way to handle him. You can't threaten a child to be good, I mean you can but if you start threatening with a call home I think it may make home situations worse.I would like for the child to make it's own decisions and learn the consequences. Time out doesn't seem to do much. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
The child does have immense anger issues though, which is why I feel he may have disciplinary issues with his mom, and/or the mom is an addict of some sort. One day while trying to gather the kids up to go inside, A went to get a drink. I was already pushed to the brink with the constant "Ms. O! Ms. O! She did this! He did that! Hey look at me!" And the last thing I wanted was another episode from an unruly kid. But A never lets me down. He was getting a drink along with half our kids and a few other members who were playing racquet ball. A was hogging the fountain and wouldn't let anyone else drink. The man waiting to get a drink was getting annoyed and tried to politely move A out of the way, that made him agitated and he kept horsing around. I said "A get down and get in line" in a stern tone "No!" with a smirk and took another sip. "A! Get down right now and get in line or give me 3!" Louder this time. The response was another smile of you can't hit me haha! Now I was yelling "A! Get down! That's it you have 6 minutes timeout! GET DOWN!!!...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! GET DOWN!" As soon as i said it I stopped and was like Oh Shit I did not just say that. I looked at his face and he had the worst face I have put on a child. I vowed to never say anything like that to a child and yet here I am pretty much calling a kid a piece of pooh. He just looked at me like you bitch! I figured he hears that a lot at home and that could be why he has anger. He does get really testy when other kids get in his face calling him a loser. It seems to bother him the most, and I acted just like one of those other kids. I was thinking Shit what do I say? I can't apologize because then he'll be in control and I'm already out of control. But I want him to know I didn't mean that. Shit, I'm a dumbass. If he kicks me I deserve it.
Finally one of the other counselors threaten with the mom call and he got down throwing a tantrum. She talked to him, he was mad and pouty but it worked.
From that day on I told myself not to lose my temper like that again. I felt so bad. So I propose a different strategy when dealing with him. Something other than yelling. The next day he was testing my patience again. This time we were watching a movie indoors. A would not shut up, everything little thing and there was a comment out of his mouth for everyone to hear. Would not listen, would not follow directions, throwing fits, so finally I said, "A we're going outside." I took out in the hall way. I sat down was like, "Come here buddy, sit down" patting the floor next to me "So what's up? Why are you giving me such a hard time?" "I donno, I hate that movie" "Yeah but other people are trying to watch" "So..." "So it's rude to talk. Can you sit there and just not say anything and let other people watch." "It's too hard." "What's too hard? Why are you being difficult" "It's hard, it's my medication. I hate it. I got switched again." "Aw, I know buddy I hate taking medicine too, but I got to. But you think we can be buds from now on. And you can start listening to me and I'll start listening to you if you have a problem?" "Yeah I guess." "Really? Cause that's be cool." "Yeah" "Ok, so we're gonna be buds and I'll help ya out when people make you mad, but you got to help me out and start listening to me. ok" "I guess" He sat there so polite and listened, and I thought Yes I got through! I'm in! Sweet! I felt so...I don't even know. Like a hero, or a savior...no never mind not to compare myself to Jesus or Abraham Lincoln (hero), but I felt pretty good about myself. Mostly for the fact that I hope I really helped this kid, I hope I made him feel like he had a true friend in the whole crazy freakin world. Things at home seemed to suck, school probably sucks for him because the kids can't handle him, nor the teacher. The Y, everyone can't stand him, but I hope I made him feel like he had a buddy to depend on.
The next day we were out at a park hanging out and he was causing a little trouble. One of the other counselors gave him 3 minutes time out. I was standing next to him and he was talking back to the counselor. I said "A! You're going to get more if you don't stop." Then the next thing he said caught me way off guard "Well will you sit here with me? I want you to sit with me." "Yeah bud I'll sit with ya, but you gotta be good ok?" "Yeah" So we sat and chit chatted. When we were done we were lining up to go back to the Y. A was a little hesitant to get in line, "A will you get in line please?" "No I wanna stand next to you." My hear smiled, I was ecstatic inside. "yeah you can stand next to me as long as you're in line" "Ok." Cha-ching! Yes! I've done it once again! Man I was so proud. But I still kept the thought in the back of my mind that kids are unpredictable, they change friends with each other like every 5 minutes, and they would do the exact same thing with me; so I have to always be on my game and not think that I got through to him one day, but that doesn't mean I got him around my finger every day. I mean, he could turn around and hate me the next day.
Well anyway, lately he seems to doing pretty descent, at least for him. So I'm going to try and work with him as much as I can. I don't want to over do it with the "talking" thing, but I really want him to get to the point where when he feels angry that before he starts hitting people he needs to walk away. I think that's the main thing. Maybe work on the other stuff like being nice and polite to others next. I have noticed though that he doesn't really seek out approval from anybody especially adults. Where pretty much all of the kids seek out some sort of approval either from each other or from us (the counselors), A doesn't. It's as though he doesn't care what others think, he's going to do what he wants no matter what. This can be good in the future, but it can also be horribly bad; which is what we have seen mostly. This "not-needing" of approval boggles me. I mean why at his age wouldn't you seek out some sort of approval? I've noticed once when he was like "Hey Ms. O look at this!" - I can't remember what "this" was. Bt I've never seen or heard him say that to someone else - counselor or kid. I mean, he may have, but very very seldom I would assume, or from what I have gathered. I wonder if it's because he gets plenty of praise at home, or he doesn't get any at all? I generally thought that children, usually with siblings, that crave approval don't get enough at home as they would like. A is most likely - I'm almost positive - an only child, so maybe he gets loads of approval from his mother...maybe too much.
It's tough because you can only do so much, and you feel you made a break through like with A but then they go home back to where to route cause of the whole problem is and it's like the get "recharged" with the wrong attitude. The exact same thing you were trying to prevent or change.
I don't know, it's challenging and I wish I had more....something to where I can really help them. I feel like I'm still in the learning stage and not quite there yet to do what I want to do with them. Plus I'm still in the gray as far as what i can do with them. Mr. T (hehe) pretty much calls the shots as far as what we're doing, where we're going how things are done. Which is fine with me until I can get a hang on things. Plus he's great to have around for disciplining. The kids respond to him, but Ms. I says it's out of fear mostly which is what she's trying to get away from. Well, for now we may be a good match. Good cop bad cop kind of thing. But I don't want to annoy him with my lackadaisicalness. Which I'm sure has. I try to pass out the timeouts, but I'm such a push over. I feel bad for them, but I should remember I'm not here to make friends with the kids, I'm here to make sure they're organized and safe and doing what they're suppose to be doing (what their parents paid us to do with them).
Point is I'm actually starting to like the kids, it's not too bad, and I actually don't hate going to work. Most importantly i feel like I'm learning valuable skills for what I want to do in the future. Like this is really going to help me. Well at least I hope it does. Fingers crossed.Anyway, just a thought, something I'll keep track of until I figure out as much as I can....I know I'm a nerd, but the lives of children and how they end up interests me. What can I say?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Salt Mines...
Day 3: Yesterday (the third day at the new job) I was dreading going there, hating every minute that ticked away closer to absolute hell. I remember thinking This has got to be how inmates on death row feel when they have an execution date set for them to count down to. When it came time to actually head off, every inch as I got closer to that prison of hell, I started tearing up more and more...I DID NOT WANT TO GO!
I got there a few minutes early, and sat in the car. I organized my stuff into my little camelpak to prepare me for the elements of Child Care Servicing. As I did I noticed one of the other counselors, S, park across from me. I looked up and smiled at her, but of course she pretended not to see me. Which I suppose I deserve, because I will admittedly say that I've done that to people as well. I shrugged it off and went on about my business. I gathered my things and as I walked towards the doors I told myself Chin up. You're trying your best, give it a chance. I'm sure everyone felt this way. Put your big-girl-pants on and do what you have to do. And I did. I walked in that door with a smile. The other counselors were seated around a table chit chatting. I walked by and said 'hello' and, though I actually didn't expect them to out-right ignore my 'niceness' they did. Not a one said hello. Not even a glance in my direction. A quick tear came to my eyes. I sniffed it up, thought to my self: Well fuck that, never mind then. I sat at a table and read my GRE book trying to study. They continued to chit chat, mostly complaining about the kids. The leader of the group, M, was ranting on in her New York tough-kid accent about the 'little angels with horns" She started throwing around the F-bomb and then all of a sudden turned to me and was like "oo I'm sorry for the language but sometimes these kids just tick me off and I wanna kick 'em in the head!" She continued about childhood beatings as discipline and the kids these days are little brats and blah blah. I told her I totally agree. We exchanged a story or two on particular kids. They didn't seem too impressed or into the stories I had to share, so I backed off again with my confidence depleted after a short stint of Oh My gosh they're talking to me! Like a nerd in school would feel after one of the cool kids muttered a "Hey kid will you pick that up for me?" to them in the hallway at school. So I went back to studying. They left and I waited around for my bus-driver (D). D came in, a nice older black dude, and we chit chatted about his work in correctional facilities and he shared a few horror stories he had about this and about that. He made me feel a bit better before the rest of the day dragged on.
We picked up the kids and brought them back. Another counselor MA, the newest after me, was with me. She explained to me in better detail what we did and was so much nicer to me. Then the unexpected happened, M - the leader - helped me organize my group get them lined up and helped me take them out to the playground. She intervened with disciplinary actions and got them under control. Which I had no problem with since she has a booming, naturally loud (new york remember) presence tat the kids automatically respond to. As we headed, out I thanked her and a "no problem" returned. We were outside, and then the continuance of 'niceness' poured out like a freakin waterfall. "Heyr, I can help ya will the attendance sheet." "Aw that would be awesome thank you. I got some of them but I'm not sure about the rest." She went through the list, muttering to herself checking off those who were present and trying to remember who was back inside doing their homework.
Once again I was in her mercy with a 'thank you'. I had a reassurance and a mind-check with my discipline. No more nice guy, you gotta be stern with these kids. Show them who's boss and that you mean business. Hold your ground. I was keeping kids in check handing out timeouts left and right, being stern. And they actually responded to me. They were a lot better. I think M being around also helped the situation.
Then the news came to me from a small child. "Ms. O-! Ms. O-! Ms. IK told me to tell you that T won't be here. He broke his back." And she runs off. Wait WHAT?! I turned to the other counselor J, who had just recently started talking to me along with the Alpha Dog, and say "did you hear anything about T?" "No what happened?" "So-and-so just said that T broke his back..." Ms. M came out and we got the story from her sarcastic yankee twang, "So T was standing up on the back of the bus against the emergency exit, when the bus hit a pot-hole. You know those things don't have no shocks, they're like from 198fo'. So he goes falling backwards hittin his back and out the back of the bus. The ambulance had to come. Kids were cryin'. He's a mess. They took him to the hospital to get checked out. I think he's got a huge cut on his back...i donno. They might be doin some xrays er somethin."
My first thought was Oh shit! I hope he's alright. My second thought Oh shit I'm all alone with all these freakin kids for a whole freakin day!?! M must have seen the shock on my face and perked up saying "well we could take some of your kids so you only have 20, which will put you in ratio." "OK, that would be great." She lined them up and asked them who wanted to go with her. I was actually a little heartbroken that so many of them jumped to the possibility of leaving my group. But we got it figured out and they took 13 of my kids from my previous 33.
We went on with the daily schedule with snack time and then back on the playground for the rest of the day pretty much. The counselors continued to help me out with the attendance and the disciplining minor chit chat and what not. Which was refreshing and a nice change of pace than from the day before. MA, talked to me a bit about the ins and outs of the "moods" the other counselors had. "I felt for you yesterday and wanted to talk to you. Because when I first started NO ONE talked to me not even IK. T was a bit difficult to get along with with his temperament, but once we got passed a few things it was fine." "Yeah! No one spoke a single word to me yesterday. Not even T which was the big reason I was having such a horrible day." "Well some things you should watch out for from most of them except J, is that they are 2-faced. Now, I'm not here to make friends, and you're young so I don't want to see you get caught up in all that crap, because you seem nice. But just watch yourself." I thanked her immensely for her advice and all her help. It's good to know someone's on your side. I thought Yeah I can see it. It's like a freakin clique here.
Which I noticed the whole Y has become that way. I mean I have probably been going there longer than anybody ANYBODY that works there. I remember when it was this small little building just starting out before all their added complexes and what not. I used to know everyone and they all knew me. I suppose that now that an Olympian, whose coach/dad still trains here, made it big brought tons of publicity to the Y. Everyone there seems so cliquey. It reminds me of a huge law or business firm with their gym in their skyscraper building and everyone trying to "get-in" the next-best inner circle with their power 'suits', their must-make handball games, fake "good game" hand shakes. I guess it's because it's the work crowd coming in and I'm used to the laid back retired crowd.
Well anyway, I'm about to head off again to work. I feel more confident today, but at the same time I'm still slightly timid in my feelings because I just have a feeling it could all change in an instant to the obis of hell. I'll try to make it work. But the good news is, is that not all days are hell, it actually can be somewhat pleasant to work there, and I have at least one person in the same corner as me...
I got there a few minutes early, and sat in the car. I organized my stuff into my little camelpak to prepare me for the elements of Child Care Servicing. As I did I noticed one of the other counselors, S, park across from me. I looked up and smiled at her, but of course she pretended not to see me. Which I suppose I deserve, because I will admittedly say that I've done that to people as well. I shrugged it off and went on about my business. I gathered my things and as I walked towards the doors I told myself Chin up. You're trying your best, give it a chance. I'm sure everyone felt this way. Put your big-girl-pants on and do what you have to do. And I did. I walked in that door with a smile. The other counselors were seated around a table chit chatting. I walked by and said 'hello' and, though I actually didn't expect them to out-right ignore my 'niceness' they did. Not a one said hello. Not even a glance in my direction. A quick tear came to my eyes. I sniffed it up, thought to my self: Well fuck that, never mind then. I sat at a table and read my GRE book trying to study. They continued to chit chat, mostly complaining about the kids. The leader of the group, M, was ranting on in her New York tough-kid accent about the 'little angels with horns" She started throwing around the F-bomb and then all of a sudden turned to me and was like "oo I'm sorry for the language but sometimes these kids just tick me off and I wanna kick 'em in the head!" She continued about childhood beatings as discipline and the kids these days are little brats and blah blah. I told her I totally agree. We exchanged a story or two on particular kids. They didn't seem too impressed or into the stories I had to share, so I backed off again with my confidence depleted after a short stint of Oh My gosh they're talking to me! Like a nerd in school would feel after one of the cool kids muttered a "Hey kid will you pick that up for me?" to them in the hallway at school. So I went back to studying. They left and I waited around for my bus-driver (D). D came in, a nice older black dude, and we chit chatted about his work in correctional facilities and he shared a few horror stories he had about this and about that. He made me feel a bit better before the rest of the day dragged on.
We picked up the kids and brought them back. Another counselor MA, the newest after me, was with me. She explained to me in better detail what we did and was so much nicer to me. Then the unexpected happened, M - the leader - helped me organize my group get them lined up and helped me take them out to the playground. She intervened with disciplinary actions and got them under control. Which I had no problem with since she has a booming, naturally loud (new york remember) presence tat the kids automatically respond to. As we headed, out I thanked her and a "no problem" returned. We were outside, and then the continuance of 'niceness' poured out like a freakin waterfall. "Heyr, I can help ya will the attendance sheet." "Aw that would be awesome thank you. I got some of them but I'm not sure about the rest." She went through the list, muttering to herself checking off those who were present and trying to remember who was back inside doing their homework.
Once again I was in her mercy with a 'thank you'. I had a reassurance and a mind-check with my discipline. No more nice guy, you gotta be stern with these kids. Show them who's boss and that you mean business. Hold your ground. I was keeping kids in check handing out timeouts left and right, being stern. And they actually responded to me. They were a lot better. I think M being around also helped the situation.
Then the news came to me from a small child. "Ms. O-! Ms. O-! Ms. IK told me to tell you that T won't be here. He broke his back." And she runs off. Wait WHAT?! I turned to the other counselor J, who had just recently started talking to me along with the Alpha Dog, and say "did you hear anything about T?" "No what happened?" "So-and-so just said that T broke his back..." Ms. M came out and we got the story from her sarcastic yankee twang, "So T was standing up on the back of the bus against the emergency exit, when the bus hit a pot-hole. You know those things don't have no shocks, they're like from 198fo'. So he goes falling backwards hittin his back and out the back of the bus. The ambulance had to come. Kids were cryin'. He's a mess. They took him to the hospital to get checked out. I think he's got a huge cut on his back...i donno. They might be doin some xrays er somethin."
My first thought was Oh shit! I hope he's alright. My second thought Oh shit I'm all alone with all these freakin kids for a whole freakin day!?! M must have seen the shock on my face and perked up saying "well we could take some of your kids so you only have 20, which will put you in ratio." "OK, that would be great." She lined them up and asked them who wanted to go with her. I was actually a little heartbroken that so many of them jumped to the possibility of leaving my group. But we got it figured out and they took 13 of my kids from my previous 33.
We went on with the daily schedule with snack time and then back on the playground for the rest of the day pretty much. The counselors continued to help me out with the attendance and the disciplining minor chit chat and what not. Which was refreshing and a nice change of pace than from the day before. MA, talked to me a bit about the ins and outs of the "moods" the other counselors had. "I felt for you yesterday and wanted to talk to you. Because when I first started NO ONE talked to me not even IK. T was a bit difficult to get along with with his temperament, but once we got passed a few things it was fine." "Yeah! No one spoke a single word to me yesterday. Not even T which was the big reason I was having such a horrible day." "Well some things you should watch out for from most of them except J, is that they are 2-faced. Now, I'm not here to make friends, and you're young so I don't want to see you get caught up in all that crap, because you seem nice. But just watch yourself." I thanked her immensely for her advice and all her help. It's good to know someone's on your side. I thought Yeah I can see it. It's like a freakin clique here.
Which I noticed the whole Y has become that way. I mean I have probably been going there longer than anybody ANYBODY that works there. I remember when it was this small little building just starting out before all their added complexes and what not. I used to know everyone and they all knew me. I suppose that now that an Olympian, whose coach/dad still trains here, made it big brought tons of publicity to the Y. Everyone there seems so cliquey. It reminds me of a huge law or business firm with their gym in their skyscraper building and everyone trying to "get-in" the next-best inner circle with their power 'suits', their must-make handball games, fake "good game" hand shakes. I guess it's because it's the work crowd coming in and I'm used to the laid back retired crowd.
Well anyway, I'm about to head off again to work. I feel more confident today, but at the same time I'm still slightly timid in my feelings because I just have a feeling it could all change in an instant to the obis of hell. I'll try to make it work. But the good news is, is that not all days are hell, it actually can be somewhat pleasant to work there, and I have at least one person in the same corner as me...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Salt Mines...
Back again with some more thought on the whole disciplining unruly children without doing this, without doing that...I was looking up online articles on how to discipline a children, er children, a group of children without yelling at them, or shaming them, or all that crap. Which truly does hurt them in the end. I looked at classroom setting examples and they all say the same thing pretty much. To get their attention clap or play a game, to get them to listen, whisper, a hand motion to get their attention. Stuff like that. For one thing when you have kids running around in a huge gym screaming at each other, I'm not gong to freaking walkup to each one whispering "hey will you go line up?" NO I'm gonna freakin yell "LINE UP!" The thing is I cannot find anything on dealing with children in after-school/day-care situations. No. 2: It's so fast paced constant going from here to their with other people's kids with you (I still don't know who's in my group and who isn't). I mean really how the hell do you do this?! T is a yeller, he rules by fear and he seems to like it and thinks that's the way to do it. Which is very tempting, but I don't want these kids to be afraid especially of me. Already today, one kid started to come running to me to say something then turned 90 degrees and ran to T. It kind of hurt, and I want the kids to like me, to respect me and to more importantly listen to me without me having to yell and shame them. It's hard to discipline one child too when you have 20 others yelling at you "hey look at me!" or "he did this/she did that"
I mean how do you try to do things the way you learned was "safe" or "best" for children when the kids are used to a totally different form of discipline, not to mention their own parents. I am not that child's parent so do I just bite my lip until they go home and hope for the best? Do i give in and yell and shame the kids to get them to obey like the rest of the counselors? Or do I continue to do it my way, let them do it their way and struggle with all this grief, not to mention confusing the hell out of the children, and only hurting them more really in the long run? Ugh, this is too much. I've never quit anything in my life and I DO NOT want to quit this job for the simple reason of "I don't think I can do it" but this is probably the hardest job I have ever had by far. I wonder if they're like this at school and if so how the hell do these teachers deal with them in this state of mind? This is just so much to take in at once, and I would imagine it only gets worse. I think what I really wish is that my co-workers/counselors were a bit more supportive. Or more I wish I was less anxiety filled is social situations.
I really do like children and people and I want to help them with their psychological struggles, helping the best I can with their situations and overall life, but the truth is I am absolutely terrified of kids and people in general. How the hell am I suppose to help people if I'm terrified of them? I guess if I had more self confidence in myself that I know what I'm doing or I know I can do this, but right now, I'm in a constant state of mind of I am in way over my head. I don't know what I'm doing. I suck at this job. I suck at life. If there is anyone out there reading this at all, please PLEASE give me some hope. That would be really really nice to have right now.
I mean how do you try to do things the way you learned was "safe" or "best" for children when the kids are used to a totally different form of discipline, not to mention their own parents. I am not that child's parent so do I just bite my lip until they go home and hope for the best? Do i give in and yell and shame the kids to get them to obey like the rest of the counselors? Or do I continue to do it my way, let them do it their way and struggle with all this grief, not to mention confusing the hell out of the children, and only hurting them more really in the long run? Ugh, this is too much. I've never quit anything in my life and I DO NOT want to quit this job for the simple reason of "I don't think I can do it" but this is probably the hardest job I have ever had by far. I wonder if they're like this at school and if so how the hell do these teachers deal with them in this state of mind? This is just so much to take in at once, and I would imagine it only gets worse. I think what I really wish is that my co-workers/counselors were a bit more supportive. Or more I wish I was less anxiety filled is social situations.
I really do like children and people and I want to help them with their psychological struggles, helping the best I can with their situations and overall life, but the truth is I am absolutely terrified of kids and people in general. How the hell am I suppose to help people if I'm terrified of them? I guess if I had more self confidence in myself that I know what I'm doing or I know I can do this, but right now, I'm in a constant state of mind of I am in way over my head. I don't know what I'm doing. I suck at this job. I suck at life. If there is anyone out there reading this at all, please PLEASE give me some hope. That would be really really nice to have right now.
Salt Mines...
Day 2 at work. OH MY GOD!!! I cannot even put into words almost how unbelievable today was. At first you know I was in a descent accepting mood...positive I'll say. Yeah that all changed real quick. To generalize, kids are freakin hellians. I work with 6-7 year olds and this group of kids are the most unruly last nerve testing bunch of banshees I have encountered for any length of time. Well actually let me clarify that's how they were the last 30-45 min I had them for. Most of the day they were fairly descent. But as soon as T leaves, they are on my last nerve testing me the whole time. Throwing mulch, throwing shoes, kicking each other, scratching, screaming, more and more shit I can list that would make you ponder : You know, maybe jail isn't so bad. For example, we were in the gym for the last hour of play before we go back up front and wait for their parents to come pick them up. T left while playing a game so I was in charge for a bit. It was a little before 5:30 (when we're suppose to head back up there) and I though ok lets get lined up to go. So I told them to line up, and of course they cannot do that. They're running around kicking each other, chasing each other, making my job just that much harder. I'm already not that loud, and they are unbelievably loud. I'm yelling at them now to line up, while I have kids crying, kids coming up to me asking me a million questions, I got the boss lady and other counselors on the walkie asking to send so-and-so up front because their parents are waiting. I'm trying to pry the clipboard out of the kids hands to read the names of the kids in my group to see if any of the ones their calling are mine, because I do not know all the names of the 30+ kids in the group on day 2, not to mention the extra kids they sent to me sometime during the day. Meanwhile, I got counselors yelling in the walkie "Where is group 2? Will someone go help the counselor for group 2? They are suppose to be up here now." "I am on my waayy!" Turn to the crying, running, kicking ANNOYING devils in child-like bodies to yell at them one last time. As loud as I can "You all need to line up RIGHT NOW!" I am not going to say it again. Just because T is not here does not mean you all can go crazy. I do not want to hear a word when we are heading back up front! I have been nice to you guys, but I can be pretty freaking mean when I want to be if you push me!" We head up front and here comes another counselor, she doesn't even look at me and is already telling the kids in my group what to do. Which is helpful but it also makes me feel just that much more incompetent. We got up front and I was ready to throw up my hands and walk out and just say "forget it. this is ridiculous" I stood up front for a while. I tried to help clean stuff up and what not because i don't know what to freaking do, and one counselor was like "oh we don't have to do that." Another one 5 min later picked up doing what I was just doing with look at me like "why don't you do something?" So finally I went up to the desk to see if I could go ahead and go.
That's another thing. I was so worried about the kids killing me and giving me a hard time that I never thought the counselors would give me just as hard if not worse a time that the kids. Today T barely talked to me, none of them did. I mean I'm "shy" well reserved (I hate the word shy) I don't talk that much because I don't know what to talk about with people and I don't want to offend anyone, plus I usually find that they're not really interested in what I have to say anyway (I'm kind of a baring talker I guess). But none of them talked to me. I would try to go up to them and be friendly but then they would walk away! Literally! We were out ont he playground, and yesterday T told me "Yeah we're not really suppose to be next to each other hanging out, we're suppose to be separated to watch the kids and stuff better." Which makes sense, but almost all of us were out there on the playground today and I was standing up front closer to the door when they all walked over to the benches together across the playground and sat down and were talking for a good half hour or so. While I'm trying to watch over all the kids, I got annoying as girls in my face tattling on so and so every 5 seconds. I got ADD boys kicking and screaming, I got a kid in a wheel chair asking me every 5 minutes for mulch and what time it is. And I can feel these counselors just staring at me with disgust and with just as much annoyance as I have for the kids. They don't talk to me about anything, not saying hey don't let so and so throw mulch, or watch that kid he like to bite. No it's like they want to see me drowned. And honestly while I was out there, with 40+ kids and feeling the loneliest and out of place I have felt in a while, I swear I thought I was going to cry. I sucked it up of course, because I try my damnedest to never cry especially in front of people. I putzed around chit chatting with the different kids trying anything to make the time go by faster. Trying to make the best of the situation. T still wouldn't talk to me about what we were doing, where we were going, what was going on. I definitely got the feeling of dislike and annoyance from him directed towards me. I mean he seems like he does well on his own, which is true, and doesn't like to babysit me at all. I bet he's thinking "why in the hell did you put her with me?!" Not to mention another counselor, she's kind of like the head counselor, (we'll call her M) who i think is from new york or something like that. When I first met her I had my little inclinations that she was sizing me up, she looked me up and down, looked down on me. I tried to keep a smile. (Sometimes I really hate my intuitive nature, and my uncanny response to body language), and today was no different if not worse. Especially when we were out on the playground I felt her staring at me with these eyes of ice. Literally laser beams at my head. When I would walk by her, she would not look at me, how she would just stare at me with those cold eyes. I could tell I was pissing her off with some of my actions, or lack of actions, but I wish she would just tell me what I was doing instead of staring at me and making me feel so freakin uneasy, or having all of them talk shit about me (I'm not dumb), or just freakin ignore me the whole time. The rest of the counselors made me feel almost worse than the kids did.
The day was finally over after the little fiasco in the gym. I wanted to talk to the boss for a bit. But she was busy, as always. She asked me how it went and I was honest saying "absolutely horrible!" I told her that as soon as T left they go crazy testing every last nerve. I mean I tried to be reasonable with them I tried to be understanding, the boss said she doesn't want these kids to obey because they're scared, which is completely understandable. We're not suppose to yell. We certainly cannot hit. How in the hell are you suppose to punish them without making them afraid of you and at the same time listening to you? I guess some people have it and some people do not. I am starting to think that I am just not cut out for child care. Maybe this was a huge mistake. As soon as I walked out of that place, I had to sit n my car for about 5 min to relax. I was starting to tear up, but I sucked it up once again and held back the tears. I sat there with my head on my steering wheel breathing trying to just put it all behind me. I immediately thought I need a drink but then NO! I will not be my mother, who has to drink everytime to deal with her own child or "relax" or "relieve stress" So I decided to check into the membership fees for employees. It is free for me, I'll have to talk to the boss about the particulars, and they do have a little space where I can study for a bit after work. The next thing I thought about after work was having to go back home and deal with my alcoholic of a mother. Exactly what I DO NOT want to have to do to after a horrific day at work.
I drove around to the grocery store, wasting time before I headed back. I snuck up stairs and went to my room. I sat in there for a while since mom was in the kitchen I waited for her to leave before I headed that way, but she didn't. I went to the bathroom and the next thing I know I got the drunk dribbling her drool at me, already slurring her words and talking her jibberish. I muttered a "hello" and immediately went to my room before silently bursting into tears. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. Mom was the last straw. Out of everything that goes wrong in this world, in my life, I don't even have to comfort to know I can go home to a caring/sober/sane household. I have no one to cry to about my horrible horrible day. Though thankfully my dad isn't always an ass hole. He cam into my room and asked how I was doing and how my day went. I told him horrible, "I don't understand why people want kids they're freakin hellians!" He just gave me a pitiful 'I'm sorry' look and tried to comfort me a bit "hang in there, maybe it'll get better with other counselors coming in for the summer..." I hope to God that they do get more help. Because it is just freaking crazy doing that by yourself. I don't know how they handle it honestly. I was immediately overcome by a migraine (still am), mom's stumbling into my room "d-dinnrsss onsaaa t-tabllllleee" What?! I didn't catch that why don't you have another drink and maybe that'll help your nonsense dribble that's pouring out of your mouth. I told her I wasn't hungry, even though I'm freaking starving, but just like I said before, I AM NOT putting myself in that situation where I will only get more angry more upset and more annoyed because I have to watch a pathetic piece of shit mother I have wobble back and forth over her dinner plate, asking me a million questions of "How was your day? Well you gotta do this with those kids you gotta do that with those kids, blah blah, when I was a kid..." Ah SHUT THE FUCK UP! No I am not doing it, not anymore. I'm going try my hardest now to stay at the Y as long as possible after work. To work out or study, or both. To avoid even seeing her. Because from what I have witnessed so far, I'm going to be having a lot of "bad days" at work, Instead of drinking them away I'm going to have to get that aggression out somehow...working out. And then I have to, HAVE TO study, I got to get my ass out of this place. As far away from my family (mother mostly) as possible. I have to do better than this, I cannot settle for this shit. I might have screwed up a bit in college, with some help form others, and I cannot let that hold me down. I have to do better than this or I probably will pull that trigger. I just want to be good, no great, at something that everyone admires me for it, and that I truly love to do...gah is that too much to ask for?
That's another thing. I was so worried about the kids killing me and giving me a hard time that I never thought the counselors would give me just as hard if not worse a time that the kids. Today T barely talked to me, none of them did. I mean I'm "shy" well reserved (I hate the word shy) I don't talk that much because I don't know what to talk about with people and I don't want to offend anyone, plus I usually find that they're not really interested in what I have to say anyway (I'm kind of a baring talker I guess). But none of them talked to me. I would try to go up to them and be friendly but then they would walk away! Literally! We were out ont he playground, and yesterday T told me "Yeah we're not really suppose to be next to each other hanging out, we're suppose to be separated to watch the kids and stuff better." Which makes sense, but almost all of us were out there on the playground today and I was standing up front closer to the door when they all walked over to the benches together across the playground and sat down and were talking for a good half hour or so. While I'm trying to watch over all the kids, I got annoying as girls in my face tattling on so and so every 5 seconds. I got ADD boys kicking and screaming, I got a kid in a wheel chair asking me every 5 minutes for mulch and what time it is. And I can feel these counselors just staring at me with disgust and with just as much annoyance as I have for the kids. They don't talk to me about anything, not saying hey don't let so and so throw mulch, or watch that kid he like to bite. No it's like they want to see me drowned. And honestly while I was out there, with 40+ kids and feeling the loneliest and out of place I have felt in a while, I swear I thought I was going to cry. I sucked it up of course, because I try my damnedest to never cry especially in front of people. I putzed around chit chatting with the different kids trying anything to make the time go by faster. Trying to make the best of the situation. T still wouldn't talk to me about what we were doing, where we were going, what was going on. I definitely got the feeling of dislike and annoyance from him directed towards me. I mean he seems like he does well on his own, which is true, and doesn't like to babysit me at all. I bet he's thinking "why in the hell did you put her with me?!" Not to mention another counselor, she's kind of like the head counselor, (we'll call her M) who i think is from new york or something like that. When I first met her I had my little inclinations that she was sizing me up, she looked me up and down, looked down on me. I tried to keep a smile. (Sometimes I really hate my intuitive nature, and my uncanny response to body language), and today was no different if not worse. Especially when we were out on the playground I felt her staring at me with these eyes of ice. Literally laser beams at my head. When I would walk by her, she would not look at me, how she would just stare at me with those cold eyes. I could tell I was pissing her off with some of my actions, or lack of actions, but I wish she would just tell me what I was doing instead of staring at me and making me feel so freakin uneasy, or having all of them talk shit about me (I'm not dumb), or just freakin ignore me the whole time. The rest of the counselors made me feel almost worse than the kids did.
The day was finally over after the little fiasco in the gym. I wanted to talk to the boss for a bit. But she was busy, as always. She asked me how it went and I was honest saying "absolutely horrible!" I told her that as soon as T left they go crazy testing every last nerve. I mean I tried to be reasonable with them I tried to be understanding, the boss said she doesn't want these kids to obey because they're scared, which is completely understandable. We're not suppose to yell. We certainly cannot hit. How in the hell are you suppose to punish them without making them afraid of you and at the same time listening to you? I guess some people have it and some people do not. I am starting to think that I am just not cut out for child care. Maybe this was a huge mistake. As soon as I walked out of that place, I had to sit n my car for about 5 min to relax. I was starting to tear up, but I sucked it up once again and held back the tears. I sat there with my head on my steering wheel breathing trying to just put it all behind me. I immediately thought I need a drink but then NO! I will not be my mother, who has to drink everytime to deal with her own child or "relax" or "relieve stress" So I decided to check into the membership fees for employees. It is free for me, I'll have to talk to the boss about the particulars, and they do have a little space where I can study for a bit after work. The next thing I thought about after work was having to go back home and deal with my alcoholic of a mother. Exactly what I DO NOT want to have to do to after a horrific day at work.
I drove around to the grocery store, wasting time before I headed back. I snuck up stairs and went to my room. I sat in there for a while since mom was in the kitchen I waited for her to leave before I headed that way, but she didn't. I went to the bathroom and the next thing I know I got the drunk dribbling her drool at me, already slurring her words and talking her jibberish. I muttered a "hello" and immediately went to my room before silently bursting into tears. I just couldn't hold it back anymore. Mom was the last straw. Out of everything that goes wrong in this world, in my life, I don't even have to comfort to know I can go home to a caring/sober/sane household. I have no one to cry to about my horrible horrible day. Though thankfully my dad isn't always an ass hole. He cam into my room and asked how I was doing and how my day went. I told him horrible, "I don't understand why people want kids they're freakin hellians!" He just gave me a pitiful 'I'm sorry' look and tried to comfort me a bit "hang in there, maybe it'll get better with other counselors coming in for the summer..." I hope to God that they do get more help. Because it is just freaking crazy doing that by yourself. I don't know how they handle it honestly. I was immediately overcome by a migraine (still am), mom's stumbling into my room "d-dinnrsss onsaaa t-tabllllleee" What?! I didn't catch that why don't you have another drink and maybe that'll help your nonsense dribble that's pouring out of your mouth. I told her I wasn't hungry, even though I'm freaking starving, but just like I said before, I AM NOT putting myself in that situation where I will only get more angry more upset and more annoyed because I have to watch a pathetic piece of shit mother I have wobble back and forth over her dinner plate, asking me a million questions of "How was your day? Well you gotta do this with those kids you gotta do that with those kids, blah blah, when I was a kid..." Ah SHUT THE FUCK UP! No I am not doing it, not anymore. I'm going try my hardest now to stay at the Y as long as possible after work. To work out or study, or both. To avoid even seeing her. Because from what I have witnessed so far, I'm going to be having a lot of "bad days" at work, Instead of drinking them away I'm going to have to get that aggression out somehow...working out. And then I have to, HAVE TO study, I got to get my ass out of this place. As far away from my family (mother mostly) as possible. I have to do better than this, I cannot settle for this shit. I might have screwed up a bit in college, with some help form others, and I cannot let that hold me down. I have to do better than this or I probably will pull that trigger. I just want to be good, no great, at something that everyone admires me for it, and that I truly love to do...gah is that too much to ask for?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Salt Mines...
So today was my first day of work at the Y in the day care center. OMG! First off, I did not hear from them since Thursday when I had to fill out this long a** packet of pretty much saying "you're working with kids so you better not touch them, if you do touch them you're sol. If you've been accused of any child abuses or anything harming a child you're sol, and blah blah blah" Boss said she'll call me when I get approved. Friday goes by. Saturday goes by. Sunday and then Monday. I was beginning to think WTF I mean really, ya know? The Monday at 1:50 pm she calls me "So you did know you were suppose to start today right?" "Uuuhhhh...no...I never hear from you. Uh...I wasn't sure what the deal was - er - uh I'm sorry, I can be there in an hour." "oookkaaaayy" AAAAHHHH!!! WTF! Really?! I mean geez!
So while I'm rushing to take a shower, get dressed, take out my piercing, finding shoes that aren't flip-flops or sandals, changing shirts like 3 times. Do I eat now? No, no food in the house. Well maybe I can bring some granola...no, you had enough. Should I bring water? Yeah, I'm sure you can have water. Cell phone. Ipod? Eh, sure. Book? No you're watching kids for Christ's sake, no book. Ok, make-up, deofarant, brush the teeth. Coffee? No you just brushed your teeth. Belt, need a belt. Damn these shorts don't have belt loops...what the hell, how don't you have belt loops?! Aaahhh! God these kids are going to kill me. You're pretty much going to die. Don't worry about food or coffee b/c she'll fire you in like 5 min. What the hell were you thinking working with kids? You hate kids...well very strongly dislike them.
I was going crazy, worrying about something I was forgetting, of mostly how I'm going to die today, or worse how I'm going to be arrested. Will I be arrested for throwing a kid into a wall? Or telling them to play hide and seek and not really seeking? I mean is there a rule saying seekers MUST seek? Maybe I'll look into that.
Well I'm there, nervous as hell, trying to hold it together and forcefully be nice to the kids.
I met my co-counselor/trainer (T) he was pretty cool. The kids were more afraid of him to do anything bad than respecting him and listening, which I guess is what the boss wasn't really to fond off. Which is understandable, but what I soon found out is that these kids work fast. I mean it's constant kicking screaming, he did this, she did that. Wait what? What was your name again? No give me shit just b/c I'm new and you think you can get away with it. I mean really, I'm not that dumb.
The evening goes by with limitless testing of my limits, boring walking around. Oh yeah because we're not allowed to play with them. I mean the one thing I was looking forward to was at least being able to play games and stuff with them. If I have to sit and listen to them whine about this and that and give me attitude I at least want to get out and do something active. I tried playing with them a little bit, but they didn't seem too open with me, at least not yet.
I can understand all the bull shit legal crap with child care services and counselors touching kids or harming kids and potentially hurting them, but this is almost ridiculous. No wonder the kids hate it there, we're just like their parents. Not wanting to play with them, just watch their every move to make sure they're not doing anything wrong. No wonder the counselors seem so angry too, they're bored. I mean I was bored and irritated with just standing around, being a disciplinary rather than a friend.
I kind of felt the counselors were getting annoyed with me. I'm sure it's annoying in general to train somebody. T left early, yes left me alone with the freaking kids for like half an hour. That's a really long time in child care. But they always seemed to group together and talk with one another isolating me. I definitely felt like the new kid. Everybody's trying to feel me out; kids, counselors, the only person who seems to have absolute faith in me, OR just doesn;t care at this moment how I do, is the boss lady. I felt kind of bad for the other counselors that had to pick up the slack because I was falling behind, like having to come get some of my kids because I didn't send them up to go home. Or having to 'round-up' my unruly kids while my back is turned. They're a bunch of 6-7 year olds so I guess this is the age to test authority limits and how to 'manipulate' their way around things....a lot of testing really. They should take my GR for me since they like to test so much.
AND to top it all off next week is spring break. That means all day for a whole freaking week. I guess it'll be good for the cash flow, but I just been doing this one day! Actually it starts friday. So I'll have 4 days under my belt before the full force of it all. I'm not sure if I'll be ready for this shit. All day kids...at least while they're at school they can get most of their energy out...I would imagine; so when they come to us they're at like 40-50% instead of a full 100%. This just might be a tasting of hell to come. Boss lady assures me that if I can get through the first week that I'll be fine. I hope she's right and she's not just saying that because she's desperate for work from anybody.
Well tomorrow is another day and I guess we'll see how it goes. I really hope this job can help as far as resume status and future possible jobs in the direction I want to go in. Really, my theory is talking to children one-on-one when something's wrong, but how do you do that when there's 29 (literally that many) other kids you have to look after at the same time. No wonder our education system is askew...there's simply not enough attention or time put forth for these kids, nor patience. Perhaps when I get the hang of things I can make a difference and make some changes in that area. One could only hope. "...be the change" right? Oh Gandhi if you were here with me right now, that would really help me out...
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